Sunday, April 26, 2015

On Writing



I write letters to people in prison.

I do this to offer friendship to people who don’t often have it but also to be a help where I can in legal matters or counseling matters or just a good influence in a life that often has far too few of those. Most of the people I write are in for life, so you can imagine the sorts of things these individuals have been found guilty of doing, but I don’t think a person can wholly be defined by the worst thing he or she has ever done or been accused of doing. I think, instead, that there are lots of factors that often lead up to a split second decision that a person would give their own life to take back, and that we, as a society, can’t just throw those people away. In fact, for many of the people I have come to know over the years, being thrown away was part of the problem to begin with…

It really is a gamble every single time I make the decision to do so. I put myself out there with a person who has often been accused of doing a terrible thing that can never be undone, and even though I do extensive research on the case and the person and try my best not to write someone who committed a crime for the sake of the thrills involved, it is still a huge risk to take. My information—address, age, name—is going into a prison where anyone could get their hands on it if the person I write isn’t careful. And, ultimately, as I have learned over the last 8 years of doing this, all the research in the world doesn’t always indicate what kind of person will appear in the letters I get back.

Whenever you take any gamble especially one that involves human interaction, you have to weigh the potential rewards you may reap against the risks, the potential losses, involved. Are the potential negatives worth the chance to experience the positives? Does the payout, so to speak, make the risk worth taking?

It’s a tough question to answer and one that I have had to continually ask myself. I’d be a liar if I said this was always easy, that I haven’t met some of the most trying individuals I’ve ever come into contact with in my lifetime this way, or that I haven’t been hurt over the years. But, in the end, because of the strength of the friendships I have made both through my letters and by meeting other people who write, it has been more than worth the gamble, worth the risks.

Part of it has to do with being able to reach out and help another person. It’s in my personality to get obsessed in a way with a cause and be an advocate for a group of people (I’m an INFJ). The longer I have done this—writing-- the more I have learned how often people in these situations, in prison, lose everything including friends and a good percentage of their family, and while a good percentage of the population seems to think it’s deserved, I don’t think that works. All the available research, for one, has proven that social support prevents violence within prison and lowers recidivism rates as well. Prison should rehabilitate, but it doesn’t. Not even 1/3 of the people in prison who need counseling and substance abuse treatment actually get it despite evidence showing these services cut recidivism rates in half. In the end, for me, it’s kind of amazing to see what a few letters from a person who has no familial obligations can do to build someone back up and get them on the right track/keep them on the right track. Being a party to that feels pretty fucking good in a way that truly isn’t comparable to anything else Ive done in life. Motherhood gives me the feels for different reasons. Donating, volunteering, or even giving a homeless person some money or help all feels great but it doesn’t compare to really being to reach out and connect with a person in a way that helps them find themselves. Not to mention, I learn as much as I give—about myself, about other people, about how I am perceived and what to look out for when I embark on my future career counseling inmates.

But that’s not the whole of it either. It isn’t some completely altruistic endeavor because I do forge real friendships that keep me afloat when I’m down or stressed. I have friends who make me laugh reading through letters, who let me vent, who—even when they cant give me advice—will do their best to dig through a situation with me and help me see something that I didn’t see myself. I have people in my life that I’ve met through letters that support me in a way that I don’t usually get elsewhere, because it isn’t a friendship based on 140 character snapshots of my life placed on social media updates. It’s authentic in a way that I don’t often get. There are still some (and I stress some) good people beyond prison walls who may have, yes, done an incredibly fucked up thing that can never, ever be reversed, but it doesn’t make them any less human, any less capable of change than anyone else.

At the end of the day, writing has added people to my life over the last 8 years that have brought me immeasurable joy that far surpasses any frustration, negativity, grief, or hurt I have experienced. The gamble has paid out in ways I never could have calculated, and I am far richer for having taken it.

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This might be a bit of a controversial topic, but it's still one that is important to me and close to my heart. And, in the interest of authenticity which I have strived for since day one on this blog, I felt I needed to write about it. Thanks for reading!! check out the other contributions on More Than Cheese and Beer

10 comments:

  1. (My apologies if this posts twice.)

    I think we would all hate to be judged by the worst thing we have ever done.

    I have only ever written to family and friends who were incarcerated. I was shocked at how much of an impact a letter a week could make. My friend pulled me aside when he was released and explained how getting those letters lifted his spirits and kept him going. He said after a while most people who wrote stopped after the first couple times so it was refreshing when he got a new letter.

    It speaks volumes of your empathy that you reach out ❤

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    1. The impact of just one letter a month is amazing for people. In just a few months time, I can see the difference having a friend makes for people, and its good for the prison. When someone has an outside connection, it keeps them behaving so they arent denied phone and visitation privileges. I dont talk and see that many of the people I write, but friendship still gives them something to look forward to...a lot of them dont get mail if they are in solitary so it works to everyones advantage.

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  2. I admire your ability to see the humanity where many of us choose to just turn away. You take a chance and you reap the rewards for having done so. So do those who you reach out to.

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    1. A friend of mine and I are thinking about starting a website that pairs younger inmates who will be getting out in 5 years or less with mentors. I think it would be a great thing. Social support has been shown to reduce the chance of them going back and sometimes people really need an advocate. I hope we can get it to take off. I feel like my mission in life is to help others and I cant think of a better way :)

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  3. I knew you are writing to inmates, and I think it's admirable. As you pointed out, you have a huge impact on people who don't get a lot or any human touch. This is a great thing you're doing! :-)

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    1. Some people I write do have a lot of family support, but most dont have anyone else at all really. They certainly dont have any friends anymore. It's sad. I know they made mistakes, but Im not writing people who are serial killers or who stalk and kill children or women. But people in prison, all of them, are treated like they are which doesnt help anything here. I wish the US system was more like it is in Europe.

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  4. I think that you are doing a wonderful thing, taking time out of your life to bring a connection to someone else. You just may be the only person they communicate with, or might be their voice of reason, or may be the person that gives them hope

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    1. Prison is segregated. It isnt mandated by the prison or anything but people naturally segregate into groups based on race typically. I dont know if youve seen Orange is the New Black but its a mild representation of how segregated it is. And that does make people a bit racist or at least magnifies racist issues. Ive been able to help people change that mentality before which is pretty remarkable. it takes a long time and a lot of conversation, but I can be that voice of reason on a lot of different issues which is pretty awesome.

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  5. All you have done and will continue to do is admirable. I wish I could see things the same way you do! So many people are better for having known you.

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  6. I think it is a very remarkable thing you are doing! Good for you!

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